Wednesday, March 23, 2011

It Will Get Better...

Last Fathers Day I wrote my dad an email expressing to him how much I love him {and if you know me, I really, really do love my Daddy} and appreciate him and everything he does for me and how sometimes I feel like I have let him down.

You know Adam and I did a lot of things backwards and I can't help but wonder if the months we have struggled to make it paycheck to paycheck and now having to come back to work are a result of that.  I feel a sense of guilt and I over analyze it a lot.

All I ever wanted to accomplish in my life was something, anything to make my parents say "we are so proud of you April".  They are such incredible people, if you met them, you would understand.  They make you want to be better. 

But back to the letter.  So I wrote my Dad with the hope that he would write me back a little something along the lines of a Thank You and a yada, yada, yada you haven't let me down, don't worry about it kind of thing.

What I got back was something so much greater.  In an email he wiped away so much worry and put so much faith and hope back in my heart. I hope he doesn't mind me sharing the letter with you.  I have it saved in my email and from time to time when I'm having a really bad day, I open it up and it makes me feel like I'm not alone and THINGS.WILL. JUST.GET.BETTER. 

Thanks for the wonderful Father's Day letter. I think the level of appreciation for letters has probably far outweighed the short lived buzz of gift certificates, or ties, since the invention of Father's Day. You really moved me with your sentiments, and, at the same time, gave me the opportunity to set some things straight between you and I, things that have needed to be cleared up for a long time.
I've always been moved by particular paintings, every now and then, when I found some money, I'd buy one. They comfort me to various degrees, and over the years, I've fallen in and out of love with each of them, except one, "King Crate".
"King Crate" is the image of my life as a young boy, as a young man, and as a young father. When I look at the boy in "King Crate" I know how he feels. I know that he, like me as a young person, sits there waiting for his life to unfold, not knowing the future, sometimes without a plan, sometimes without the confidence or courage to execute a plan when one finally presents itself.
Long before I knew why I'd fall in love with that painting, it frightened me, it represented some things that drove me, that kept me awake, that caused me to question myself.  I'd wonder why I didn't  have a plan, why I couldn't  force some things to be better, to be worth more. Sometimes I'd agonize over how to save someone, sometimes from a form of danger, sometimes from themselves, sometimes, oddly enough, from me. 
I couldn't tell you when the scenes I imagined "King Crate" saw, softened, or became less frightening, I just know they did, and I also know that through the process, I learned an amazing thing.
{King Crate, Tony Hernandez}
April, we are all "King Crate".
I have always loved you, I know I always will. I didn't know what kind of daughter you'd be, you certainly had no idea what kind of father I'd be, like the kid with the empty eyes,both of us just sat on the crate that is life, and waited for it all to unfold. It's still unfolding, it unfolds and it turns up the Adams and Aidan's of our lives, the Bobby's and Jordan's, and my great love, Deb. It turned up you. 
If I can leave you with you some soft advice, and my appraisal of the worth of my daughter, it's this, first, don't worry, where you are in your life is just where you're supposed to be. Your mother and I, and lifetimes of other young couples, have been where you are in your married life at this point, and all of us remember being there, and all of us remember how hard it was, it will get better, hang tough, it will get better.
And now my appraisal.  April, your worth, your gift, is your heart. You may surpass your mother in this rarest of qualities. No one I know has more heart, few people more compassion, this is your talent, your chance for success, keep it healthy and open. Paint a beautiful life.............

1 comment:

Brooke Hall said...

Wow....crying!! Beautiful letter....