I just don't get it...

I really don't even know how to start this...I think writing this blog is sometimes like therapy for me because I know not many people read it, so I can get away with writing things that I will never be judged for. I can be a little bit vulnerable because no one knows about it.
I follow a few blogs that I have someway or another found through friends of friends blogs. I am currently keeping up with a woman who just lost her mother to cancer. I think I am addicted to this particular blog because she is reminiscing about the marvelous relationship she had with her mother in her adult life. It's kind of like the relationship I wish to have with my mom but will never happen. I think sometimes I am quick to judge mother's who think their child is perfect and can do no wrong, but when I look at the difference, I think I would have liked to have the kind that is just proud of you and loves you no matter what. I haven't by any means been the perfect daughter. I have done a lot of things the wrong way and I haven't accomplished much in my life but I think I have things to be proud of. I have a wonderful husband, he's not a doctor or an attorney but he loves me more than anything and when the money runs out, that's all that really matters. I have a son, he wasn't planned and I did my fare share of feeling ashamed for it, but he has turned out to be a great kid. He's smart and kind and loving and funny. I have my home, and yes it's not always clean but it's my home and I have worked hard on it. It may be small, but it makes us have to be closer as a family. My mom once said to me "I am not your friend, I'm your mom"...I haven't ever forgot those words because I think it will probably be like that forever. I don't think she has the desire that I do to have a special relationship. I come home sometimes after being with her, and she has (unintentionally) made me feel like the scum of the earth and I barely make it home before breaking in to tears. Most recently, she has a neighbor that has 3 daughters and is now expecting a baby boy and is very nervous about it. As my mom, myself and this neighbor stand in the yard this is how the conversation goes..."Laura (the neighbor) let me tell you something, not that I wasn't excited to have April but when my boys were born (her face lights up and her eyes get huge) it was a whole different story." I just don't get it. Will I ever be good enough? Do I not communicate well enough how important her friendship is to me? Should I tell her she's my hero and she has been a great mom to me but now I just want her to be my best friend?? I have been thinking about having another baby somewhere in the next year or so but every time I think about it, I get bogged down with the thought that she won't be happy for me. I have this fear that this may be the last child I ever have and I might not ever get the chance to share the excitement with my mom. It breaks my heart every time one of these milestones passes by and I think one of these days, she just won't be around anymore and the time will be lost and going back won't be an option and I'll be sharing in the excitement with someone else. I just wish she could see past all the little things and be happy for me and for who I turned out to be. I am sorry I didn't do more to make her proud. I rack my brain day in and day out about what I could do to just try to get somewhere close to this place with her. It's a never ending battle with my heart. I honestly just don't get it...