Monday, September 24, 2012

I can't help it...

I have to be really honest.  I don't know if there will be other women out there that relate with me or if I'm all alone but it helps me to write it out.  It feels better.

Almost every day before the new baby comes feels like such an emotional struggle for me.  I am trying so hard to hold on to every last day with my sweet Aidan. 

Most of you know by now, that Aidan wasn't planned for us.  When I found out I was pregnant with him, the thought of having a baby was terrifying.  It wasn't until I held him for the first time that I felt like we might be alright.  That I had it in me.

Having Aidan meant so much for me. It meant responsibility was a word I was going to learn the deepest meaning of.  It meant the majority of my twenties wouldn't be spent living it up with my girl friends.  It meant my resume would read "Mom" at the very top of the list. 

It also meant I was going to learn to love like I never thought possible. It meant having to grow up a little bit faster than everyone else was and I was going to be on the greatest journey of my life.   And in a lot of ways I feel like I owe Aidan. 

For creating this person I didn't know could exist.  For making me a woman I only dreamed about becoming before he was around.  For teaching me to love unconditionally.  For creating this amazing family out of a young couple that really hardly knew each other before him. 

So I worry.  Will it be different?  Will he be OK?  Will he know truthfully that the thought of another baby in this house is only happening because we want to get the chance to love another little person as much and as easily as we've loved him everyday? 

I find myself staring at him a little longer, holding on to his every word, letting the housework go to spend more time with him and feeling a little...OK A LOT behind the ball on doing stuff around here to get ready for the baby.  The thing is I'm not getting this time back.  If the nursery is missing a detail no one will notice but if I miss out on the last great memories of Aidan as an only child...I will.

1 comment:

Brooke Hall said...

April, When I told my friend Allan that I was pregnant (she has two boys) she screamed with excitement and said " yay!!! You are doing the best thing you can ever do for Lawton!! " so try and look at it that way. Not that you are doing it for you to love another baby but doing it for him to have a brother and best friend for the rest of his life. I would never have wanted to be an only child since I have my brother. Life is going to be MORE fun for him!