Monday, January 6, 2014

Dear Kellan on Your First Birthday

You are one, baby boy.  It's hard to believe a year has passed.  I can still remember the first time I held you.  They laid you right on my chest and you were so warm.  I can close my eyes and feel the warmth again.  
I felt so overwhelmed this round.  I had prayed so long for the perfect time to have you, that once you were actually here, the amount of excitement I had was almost debilitating.  
I was so thrilled and so scared.  With your brother I was a newbie, blissfully unaware of all the things that could go wrong.  I hadn't discovered the tradgedy so many mothers suffer through loosing babies until long after I had your brother. 
I hid behind such anxiety my entire pregnancy with you.  I was always terrified my next Drs appointment would bear some sort of bad news.  I didn't feel like I deserved to be so happy about you.  
Went I went in to labor with you it lasted almost two days.  I was surrounded by everyone that loves us.  But It was different than with Aidan. I was in so much pain but I knew the joy to come at the end.  This round, I was able to keep my eye on the prize and nothing was going to break that focus.  I remember being in Nana and Grandpas kitchen, everyone else in the house was asleep,  and I was bent over their countertop praying to God for some progress.  It felt like the pain was endless.  Every few minutes I would whisper...I just can't wait to meet you.  I can't wait to meet you.  The thought of holding you for the first time and feeling what I felt when I did it with Aidan, made it all worth it.  No mother ever says she wouldn't do it all over again. 
Then you were here.  And I have loved every single minute of you.   I knew I would love you but Im always shocked at how in the first second you see your child, the way the love just changes you.  
This time I'm not going to say, I can't wait to see you grow.  I know how fast that happens.  I just want to soak you in everyday.  Celebrate baby steps and not wonder so much about what your voice will sound like or what sports you will enjoy.
You were meant to be mine baby boy.  Long before Daddy and I wanted you, and Aidan begged for you...God knew you were ours.  You could not be more perfect to us all.  You bring so much more joy to our everyday.  I will never not be crazy about celebrating the day you were born.  My Kellan Adam.  
Love, Mommy

I also just want to say THANK YOU to our village that helps raise these boys with us.  Coming home from the hospital with Kellan to a house that hadn't had a baby in it for sometime was an emotional roller coaster for me.  Adam works ALOT and I felt like a single parent that couldn't get it together for weeks on end.   I'm sure some of that's normal but it never feels like it when you're in it.  

So...thank you Candace for not laughing at me when I called you and asked you questions I used to give you the answers to.

Thank you Amanda for calling me all the time and letting me cry. And for coming and holding my baby when I couldn't anymore.  And Fizz you too.  And Chelsea, you too.  

Thank You Melissa for the Booty Loop walks and listening and making me feel like you were on my Mommy team. 

Thank you Dad for calling to check on me everyday on your ride home from work. And making sure Aidan was OK.  I don't ever look forward to you finding someone else who needs taking care of.  You have saved so many days!

Thank You Mom, because at the end of the day, if I can't fix it, you always do. You really always do.  And you love my kids the best.

I appreciate you all so much and couldn't have made it through this year without you.  

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